So: Follow up.
I made a call.
I got an answering machine and left my phone number, calmly and with a collected tone of voice,, thinking that the ball wouldn’t be in my court anymore (because hey, I’m a coward). I exhaled. I exclaimed to a long-suffering Kuh that I was in the clear (being that she’d heard about an hour or so worth of sheer panic and doomsday prophecies).
I believe, but don’t quote me on this, that my exact next words were “OH SHIT TELEPHONE’S RINGING”.
I then proceeded to talk, not so collected as when I was talking to an inanimate object. I mentioned that I hadn’t been able to talk to the DM (true, he’s out of town this week).
I managed to ask her general availability, and asked if she’d be willing to do lunch. She agreed, said that I should call closer to the actual time (as her culinary mood changes often, and she gets bizarre cravings for stuff like fried asparagus…), and then the conversation continued.
Aaaand I sounded like an idiot. COULD YOU EXPECT ANY LESS?
She was trying to find the location of a Cold Stone in Duluth (or was it Dunwoody?) to meet up with a friend for some ice cream, and I did a lot of nervous laughing and generally a passenger aboard the FAILBOAT when it came to holding up my end of the conversation. Enough that it ended with her saying “Will you promise not to laugh at me all night”, me feeling like a lameass, and coming back with “Only if you promise the same for me”. She said that laughing at herself was healthy, and the call was pretty much done but for the goodbyes.
I then proceeded to clutch at my head, rock back and forth, and generally do the “fuckin’ idiot, fuckin’ idiot, fuckin idiot!” thing a la Phillip Seymour Hoffman after his character kisses Dirk Diggler in Boogie Nights, ate dinner (Quiche Lorraine), and passed out in a ball of self-loathing for not being calm and confident and competent at what I was doing and generally… acting like I feared I would. Everyone else is like “Relaaaaaax” and I’m still “OHNOES I’M GONNA SCREW THIS UP”, which I know I need to knock the hell off or else it will become a self-fulfilling prophecy. So, I’ve got that going for me.
I offer my apologies to those of you that I wasn’t able to visit when I was back home, and my thanks to those of you who I did see for continuing to be so awesome. Seriously, I have the best friends in the whole freakin’ world.