War.

War.

Last night, I had a near death experience.

I was relaxing at home after a long day, getting my WOW on when suddenly… without warning… I see movement in front of me.

Movement that isn’t on the screen.

I look closer… THERE IS THE BIGGEST COCKROACH THAT I’VE SEEN IN MY LIFE RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME.

This thing is AT LEAST two and a half inches long, if not three. It waved its large antennae at me.

This is not “Joe’s Apartment”. I’m not one of the Men In Black and this little bastard presumably wasn’t controlling a larger body. Sylar wasn’t brought down in a sewer near my house, and presumably, none of my neighbors is named Gregor Samsa (and yes, I’ll give you a couple of Literature Geek points if you get that reference).

Anyway, I did the most sensible thing (no, not shitting myself)… I got up, slowly but shakily, walked at a brisk pace to the cabinet under the sink, grab the refreshingly “spring-scented” Black Flag (so it smells like someone fumigated a fracking pine tree), and sprayed that sum’bitch for a few seconds.

AND IT STILL WAS ABLE TO RUN AWAY.

I thought that I had lost it under my bed, but it got into the hall (and by this time, it wasn’t doing so well). Rather than squishing it (because that’d be too much cleanup and even in a poisoned, spasming everywhere state it probably could’ve still run from me) I ran to the coat closet, broke out the vacuum, and sucked the little bastard up. Let’s see your chitinous shell withstand the fury of the Dyson, you little vermin. Still, I had issues getting to sleep last night. I’m normally FINE with vermin… hell, I spent two years living in a basement that had a sizable population of spiders, and the only ones that freaked me out were the black widows and hobo spiders (and that’s just because I know that they can cause me significant harm)… but cockroaches have ALWAYS freaked me out.

Anyway, where does this leave me? I’ve been fastidious (OK, at least for me) about keeping this place clean. I have a garbage can whose lid closes, and I’ve already doused the points of ingress with an even more powerful insecticide (one that claims to last for six months, even) minus my AC/heat vents. I don’t see any cracks anywhere. I keep my taps turned off. This is the only one that I’ve seen so far, but if there’s one there are bound to be more. I’ve heard that the most effective natural predator for the roach is the house centipede, but that seems like a “bringing cane toads to Australia” type solution.

If this is war, I’ll bring the fight to them, true… but I didn’t want to fight.

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