For those of you awaiting Wedding Post 3:  The Revenge… I’m still writin’ it.  Have been since November.  Not that it has that much content, I’ve just been a lazy som’bitch who has been doing most of his stuff via Twitter or Facebook in the form of short concentrated pellets of rage.

But this isn’t about that… this is about restarting a tradition that I missed last year.  The infamous Year in Review meme.  Links to the 2007, 2008, and 2009 editions are gonna be at the bottom of this post (and maybe 2004, if I can find where that went).

1. What did you do in 2011 that you’d never done before?

Obvious answer:  Got married.  Had a bachelor party.  Went on a honeymoon.

Not-so-obvious answers:  Went Geocaching.  Showed off my house to my parents.  Met Kristen’s Grandma Dear.  Went snorkeling (if you count flailing around in the water in abject terror then gripping the line from the boat snorkeling).  Went fishing on a charter boat.  Had a liver biopsy (which meant my first time in a hospital bed).  Got paddled by not one but TWO beer maidens at Hofbrauhaus (after downing six shots of schnapps and a shot of Jaeger to top things off).  Eliminated more than one or two books from my collection.  Had the second-worst hangover of my life.  Purchased curtains.  I LIVE A LIFE OF EXCITEMENT.

2. Did you keep New Year’s Resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

I don’t remember what they were.  This year, I made no “true” resolutions.  I thought of some things that I want to do, and if I don’t do ‘em, no skin off of my back.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

My friend Sara had a little girl, Lily.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

Not last year that I recall…

5. What countries did you visit?

None outside of the US.  Sadly.

6. What would you like to have in 2012 that you lacked in 2011?

More financial security.  And a passport.  And some waffles.  Mmm, waffles.  WAIT I’VE ALREADY HAD WAFFLES THIS YEAR, GUYS

7. What date from 2011 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

April 30th, 2011.  The best baklava that I ever had in my life… and cake, too.  Oh, also, I got married that day.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

Again, the wedding.

9. What was your biggest failure?

(copied verbatim from 2008 AND 2009…) Not leaving this dead-end job. It may pay a lot of money, but I’m miserable here and the effects that it has on my emotions and physical health are showing more than they have before. I need a fresh start… and the balls to actually MAKE that fresh start.

Also, the fact that I had a panic attack in the middle of the ocean wasn’t cool at all.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Aside from the ever-present psoriasis, nothing much.  I had a staph infection, I guess that counts… what else… the usual array of colds.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

A week in a house in the Florida Keys.  Also, some board games but not all of them.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

Kristen (as usual).  Also my father-in-law… he seems to be making a lot more of an effort to accept me and a lot of the tension is off between he and I.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

Name a member of our government.  I’m sure they’ve made me appalled.  Name a member of upper management.  They’ve done something to make me depressed.

14. Where did most of your money go?

Mortgage/Car/Credit Debt/Utilities.  Grown-up stuff.  I think we improved on the spending money on unnecessary stuff factor from 2010, but we still have work to go.  It’s just that STUFF IS AWESOME, and I like buying it.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

I’ll give you three guesses.

16. What song will always remind you of 2011?

“Chasing Cars”, by Snow Patrol.  The song of the First Dance.  Yeah, I know.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

• Happier or sadder? Happier.
• Thinner or fatter? Fatter, I’m sure.
• Richer or poorer? About even.  House and car debts have gone down, some credit debts have gone up.  (That’s the shitty part about the wedding and honeymoon…)

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?

Stopping to think before acting.  More romantic gestures.  More applying for other jobs or at least trying to gain knowledge.  More going to the gym, even though I hates it forever.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?

Complaining.  Walking away.  Self-destructive thought.

20. How (DID I) spend Christmas?

Another trip to Savannah, as is becoming tradition. Christmas Eve didn’t turn out so well (a long story, maybe if I was actively blogging I would’ve told it) but Christmas was great.

21. Did you fall in love in 2011?

I’m still in love, bitches.

22. How many one-night stands?

We still need to buy actual nightstands at some point.  Or I just need to clean all of the shit off of mine… and the area around it… and the whole side of the bed that I sleep on.

23. What was your favorite TV program?

Battlestar Galactica (I’m finally catching up).  Also, I was introduced to Drive this year.

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

Yes.  A thousand times, yes.  One adversary is vanquished, two more spring up as a result of it.

25. What was the best book you read?

Tie:  The Absolutely True Story Of A Part-Time Indian (Sherman Alexie), Changes (Jim Butcher), Unseen Academicals (Terry Pratchett)

26. What was your greatest musical (re)discovery?

Airborne (who I need to listen to more of) and Dio-era Black Sabbath.

27. What did you want and get?

A bunch of board games.  Married.  Bitchin’ honeymoon.  Lots of Christmas stuff.  Some tools.

28. What did you want and not get?

The knowledge of how to consistently and properly use said tools.  Eleventy billion dollars.  The balls to find a new job.

29. What was your favorite film of this year?

X-Men: First Class.  Rise of the Planet of the Apes (even though it was depressing).  Oh, and I liked Drive Angry (not that it was high-class cinema).

30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

I turned 28.  We kept it low-key this year… Kristen and I went somewhere to eat and played some games.  Super-Excito, I know.

31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Not having the spectre ‘o debt hanging over our head (although I will fully admit that we’re doing a lot better than we have been in the past).

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2011?

The “Does this match?  Kinda?  Screw it, I’m late for work” look.

33. What kept you sane?

High doses of medication, copious amounts of caffeine, and the fact that I get to come home (not just where I live, but HOME) after work and relax.

34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

None really.  At least no one that I can think of.

35. What political issue stirred you the most?

SOPA/PIPA.  On a local level, the fact that WE GET TO BUY BEER ON SUNDAYS!  SUCK IT, THE FEW STATES WHERE YOU STILL CAN’T!

36. Who did you miss?

My friends back in Utah.

37. Who was the best new person you met?

I don’t really meet any new people all that often.  First person who came to my head is Alejandro (Kristen’s friend’s boyfriend).

38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2011.

If you actually use the shit that you’re prescribed, you’ll get better.

39. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

When life becomes so barren
And as cold as winter skies
There’s a beacon in the darkness
In a distant pair of eyes
In vain to search for order
In vain to search for truth
But these things can still be given
Your love has shown me proof

Rush — Madrigal  (Yeah, I know I did the OTHER part of this song in 2007, but IT STILL APPLIES.)

2004 ♦ 2007 ♦ 2008 ♦ 2009

The Ceremony

(We re-join our story in the parking lot…)

Megan needed to get back to her sister’s house to get ready for the wedding after acting (admirably) as a cheerleader and calming influence. Shaun volunteered to drive her there, leaving me, Creg, and Dustin at the zoo. We walked up, looking rather natty in our tuxes and gaining a few looks from the zoogoers near the entrance. When we tried to get into the zoo we talked to one of the ticket guys who deduced that we were part of the wedding party but couldn’t let us in quite yet. Some back and forth on the radio happened and eventually we were ushered in through the exit by Andrea, the zoo’s event coordinator. She told me that Kristen and Company weren’t there yet, and a huge weight was lifted from my shoulders. I was SURE we were going to be late. (It turns out they were, but were getting ready.)

Andrea told us to chill out wherever and said we could walk around the zoo if we wanted to. Since the day was a little warm (and I was wearing one of Calvin Klein’s finest tuxedos) my primary goal was to seek shelter. I found out on the way to the ape house that the zoo has a Tanuki, which is ten kinds of awesome for someone who played a boatload of Super Mario Brothers 3. As far as I could tell, though, he was NOT able to turn into a statue if you hit down + B… nor did he have giant, pendulous swinging nads as often depicted in Japanese folklore.

We got to the ape house and were chilling, watching a video about Willie B when a few young ladies approached us.  They asked me if we were involved with the wedding and I told them that not only were we, but that I was the main attraction.  They gave me a beer because I “looked hot” (true, IN MORE WAYS THAN ONE, AWW YEAH).  The dreaded “once you’re married, you’re 1000000% more attractive to single girls” curse strikes early!  (And the beer wasn’t roofied, Dustin tried some first.  Isn’t that what groomsmen are for?)  Andrea came in and told me that the ladies were ready.

I didn’t want to see Kristen before the actual ceremony but it was necessary (since we had a very limited window to get our photos snapped in).  I had done an admirable job of not seeing her dress before the wedding (which was a DIFFICULT thing, I’ll tell you whut).  We were getting some photos on the Gorilla Deck when I first got to see her, and… wow.  Her dress was (is) BEAUTIFUL, and so was (is) she.  In fact, here’s a photo of my reaction…

I swear I'm not staring at her chest, you guys. OK, maybe a little.

At that point, photography commenced.  Let me tell you something, brother… weddings involve a LOT of photos.  Think of the maximum number of photographs that you can stand being taken of you.  If you’re the main attraction, you’ll have roughly fifty times that number taken.  Photos with the family.  Photos with your wedding party.  Photos of the scenery, and smiling, and looking serious, and of the venue, and EVERYTHING that you can think of.

Photos of your SHOES. OK, this one is actually one of my favorites... plus the zebra stripes match the zoo theme.

This is not meant to disparage Kristen’s lovely aunt, who was taking most of these pictures!  She did a great job and I’m super-happy with them.

After the photos were done and Kristen and Company retreated somewhere to do last minute whatever bridal parties do, I went to the front of the pavilion and started greeting people where were filing in.  I shook a lot of hands and met our officiant, the lovely, talented, and absolutely amazing Reverend Deanna Lancaster, AKA Reverend D.  We talked about how things were going to proceed.

Sooner than I thought, I was asked to head to the site of the ceremony, the Panda Veranda.  Yes, we got married in front of the pandas at Zoo Atlanta.  In fact, we were the FIRST couple in the history of the zoo to get married in front of the Pandas (usually it goes down at the Gorilla Deck). As is tradition, the officiant, my groomsmen, and I all filed in first and we waited for Kristen to be escorted in by her father.

The ceremony was absolutely beautiful and I’m a little bit sad that we opted not to record it… but it was a fantastic civil service that really fit us. We were able to involve our guests in the service (a ring passing ceremony, affording everyone a chance to see the rings and imbue them with positive energy, bless them, or however they wanted to wish us happiness), throw in a little bit of history (during said ring-passing Reverend D read us all a brief history of the wedding ring), take a moment to reflect on those who weren’t able to attend or had passed on, and do more of the traditional wedding activities.

Neither Kristen or I opted to write our own vows (too much pressure!) but we were able to find bits of other ceremonies that we liked and include them in ours. I’ve had several people after the fact tell me that they thought our ceremony was really unique and beautiful, which makes me happy. I can’t recommend Reverend D. enough, so if you plan on getting married in the Atlanta area… give her a call.

Get Your Marriage On. From L to R: Katie, Ashley, Lisa, Kristen, Reverend D's Head, Kristen's Dad, That Beardy Man, Creg, Shaun, and Dustin.

After the ceremony was over we took more family photos while the rest of our guests were asked to head to the Gorilla Deck for cocktails and hors d’oeuvres . As soon as we had a chance Kristen and I made a beeline to join them (which I’ll hit on in the next post)…

The Readying

I rose from my sleep with all of the subtlety of a yeti on a three-day bender. I was tired. I didn’t sleep well because I had stayed up far too long the prior night playing board games with my family and cleaning up the remnants of the barbecue we had instead of a rehearsal dinner (more the former than the latter)… that and Kristen wasn’t in the house.

You see, I like some traditional things. Without tradition we’d be like… like… like a reference to an old musical. One of the traditions that Kristen and I agreed on for the wedding was that I shouldn’t see her in her dress, so she went to the house that her extended family was renting for the weekend of our wedding early-ish in the morning.  I have a vague recollection of what she said before she left.  It was something along the lines of “don’t screw around and show up late.”

I woke up and had a cup of some type of beverage (was it coffee?) with Megan, who was visiting from Utah for the big day and had crashed on the couch. We talked about the impending nuptials. My groomsmen all woke up. Dustin had his morning smoke. After a bit of talking, we decided that eating something would do us all good, so we went off to Zaxby’s. I had my last meal as a single man there… a large chicken finger plate. I ate with a purpose but my compatriots weren’t as quick. I checked my watch and realized that we were RUNNING LATE. Dustin had another cigarette, I grew more tense and was on the verge of cramming it into his craw, he finished, and we all raced back home to throw on our wedding attire.

The house was a flurry of activity. Tuxedos were taken out of the office closet and donned. Cufflinks were carefully inserted into our french-cuffed shirts. (As a gift to my groomsmen, father, and Kristen’s dad Kristen and I found some amazing cufflinks on Etsy made from antique typewriter keys… our first and last initials. Kristen gave her bridesmaids and the mothers bracelets that had an old typewriter key with the giftee’s first initial.) Ties were tied. Shoes were put on. I may or may not have been in the early stages of a panic attack because I WAS GETTING MARRIED AND I WAS RUNNING LATE. THIS SHALL NOT STAND.

PUT ON TUX. PUT ON TUX NOW!

While I was working fervently at breaking the all-time record for “Most Obscenities Uttered Per Minute (Non-Sporting-Event Related)”, Megan was doing her best to reassure me that EVERYTHING WAS GOING TO BE OK.  It was, but I was having a hard time believing it at the time.

The crew was ready, but Dustin needed to have a smoke.  So we waited.  And waited.  This time I did tell Dustin to wrap it up. As we were leaving I told Max that I loved him and that Kristen and I would be back soon. He seemed to know that SOMETHING big was going on and didn’t seem to like it very much. I think that if he knew the truth, he would’ve put on the mother of all “wait, you’re abandoning me?” displays of sorrow. Poor guy.

I continued to freak the hell out as I was driving.  Someone suggested that it might be a good idea to switch the music from my usual hard rock to something else. For reasons that to this day are still unfathomable to me, I opted to play the song that seemed most fitting at the time as I did 90 on a 65…

Maybe it’s the fact that I was in a race against time.  Maybe I was suffering from the dreaded WEDDING MADNESS.  I’m not sure.  But after all was said and done, my merry band of groomsmen (and Megan) made it to our final destination… ZOO ATLANTA…

From L to R: Shaun, Some Bearded Guy, Creg, Dustin

To Be Continued…

I figured this would be a good day to get this one out of the way.   I’ll be updating this post as the week goes by, so you, my faithful readers, will have to look at it again and again.  I love the smell of a cheap traffic-generation ploy in the morning.

Monday, 7:00 PM  (Quittin’ Time!)

I started the day by rolling my pale besplotched form out of bed and realizing that it was 9:20 AM.  If this was a weekend, I’d be getting an early start.  As it is, today’s a Monday and I need to leave the house by 9:10 if I want to be able to be to work on time (hooray for 45 to 50 minute commutes).  I muttered a few choice words, threw on clothes that match surprisingly well for me not having glasses on, and told Kristen that I loved her very, very much.  This was 95% because I do love her very, very much, but 5% to soften the blow of “Hey, babe… since I’m running so late, can you take the dog out for me?”.

I fled Stately Spinch Manor with all speed.  The wailing and gnashing of teeth started once I realized that I didn’t have my trusty ol’ XM Radio with me and had to listen to terrestrial radio (like a peasant, I tells ya).  My stomach then joined the chorus, reminding me that I hadn’t eaten and that in no uncertain terms that I was IN TROUBLE.

I got to work and I was paid for doing my job, which is about the most positive thing that I can say about this job at this point.  I had an appointment with my good friend Dr. Bay, who gave me a new prescription for those little white pills that make life bearable.  I wanted to stop into the little game store near my doctor’s office, but since I was already on borrowed time I figured that it was NOT, in fact, time to buy Magic: The Gathering paraphernalia (yes, I’m playing again, no, I’m not the creepy guy who goes to the game store and plays with 13-year-olds all day).   I did have time to snag some Arby’s on the way into the office.  I got home, did the stuff I need to do, stayed half an hour late, and here I am.  I’m ready to go home and raise some hell; Macy’s opened up a store credit account for us despite the fact that all we were told was happening was my name being added to Kristen’s non-store card.  Wish me luck.

Tuesday, 10:33 AM (Trying To Wake Up)

The card thing worked relatively well, although I’m going to have to call a different department with their company to get my credit rating fixed.  Joy.

I spent last night playing Xbox until Kristen got home.  Once she got home, I spent the night… playing Xbox with her.  Life of excitement, et cetera.  Before bed, she started making Cake Balls (delicious, you must try them) but wasn’t finished by the time I needed to get to bed, so I made haste upstairs and crashed hard.

Unfortunately, I’m still tired this morning.   The drive to work was one of those perilous journeys where you spend at least half of your willpower trying not to drift off.  A cold beverage helped prevent that from happening, but I’d still do anything just to be able to crawl into a corner somewhere and nap for an hour or so.

HEY GUYS, LOOK. I NEVER FINISHED THIS. SHOCKER.

(To be fair, my birthday happened. And… yeah, I’ve got nothin’.)

I changed the layout again. Twice, actually. First time was similar colors (Black/Gray with orange links), but THAT WASN’T GOOD ENOUGH FOR KRISTEN. OH, NO.

(I’m going to get in trouble for that, you guys.)

The new design features a white background, black text, new fonts, and links and headers in the colors of the Greatest Hockey Team What Ever Did Hockey, the Colorado Avalanche.

The design took me a while to mess with (even if it is a tweaked version of the default WP theme) but it’s looking good, and I’m wondering why I wasted my time on it since I’m sure that all of you guys just read Kill It With Fire on some type of feed reader or on Facebook if I’m still syndicating my posts there, or maybe just not reading it all happy with the way it turned out.

So ogle it! Enjoy the theme! I’m begging you!

As I say far too often in these posts… I’m still alive.

In fact, I’m more alive than ever because WEDDING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11

So what prompted me to write this not-so-long-awaited post? Mainly because I feel crushing guilt after having read so many quality posts from my friends and well-wishers, and… well, I miss blogging.

So what am I gonna post about? Are you, my readers, going to be getting a blow-by-blow description of the wedding (up to and including my Walk of Shame in the prior night’s tux pants, shirt, and no shoes to the lobby of the hotel we stayed in on our wedding night)? How about reasons why I am convinced that the Atlantic Ocean (and every other body of water in this great big wide world of ours) is trying to kill me? Maybe a “tale of the tape” comparison of two of the greatest foods known to man, the Chili Dog and Nachos?

Nope. (But the wedding one is coming someday, I swear.)

I’m going to write about my dog.  Much of it has already been written.  Here, even.  But I’m going to write it again.

(Cue groans.)

I officially got Max exactly two weeks before the fateful day that the hot chick wearing a Red vs. Blue shirt sent me a message on OKCupid asking me what kind of sandwich I’d like. (True story.) The process of getting him started much earlier, though…

Insert wavy flashback lines…

I moved to Georgia in mid-2007, the promise of a fresh start (and seven bucks more an hour) driving me down to the Derrtay Sowf (as Luda might call it).  This was good in some ways (that whole fresh start thing and me living in my own place for the first time) and not good in some ways (the job itself) and terrible in other ways (namely, the soul-crushing loneliness).

I had (and have) a few friends down here, but nothing like the support group I have back in Ootah.  My social life consisted of the following:

• World of Warcraft, until I burned out and called it quits.
• Bar Trivia on Thursdays.
• Occasionally, RPGs on Saturdays.

Aside from that, I would go home to my wee apartment and either play XBox or sleep.  I was depressed, I wanted to move back to Utah (but job loyalty and the implied threat of a three-year contract which I later found out I never signed kept me from doing so), and the fresh start wasn’t going as great as I would’ve liked it to. I think that Mom and Dad were worried about me, because around November they suggested that it might be a good idea for me to get a dog.

I was initially against the idea because of all of the work that it would take (since I was in a small apartment) and me being the only person there.  Eventually, though, knowing that I was going to be giving a dog a Forever Home (I’m of the opinion that if you’re going to get a dog, you should get one from either your local animal control shelter or a rescue organization) and that it would be nice to have someone happy to see me when I got home from work.  I had that with my old dogs back in Utah (may they rest in peace) and didn’t realize how much I missed it.  I started doing some research and found a great local rescue organization (SmallDog Rescue and Humane Society) that had a dog that I was very interested in… a little brown dog named Fonzie (EYYYYYY!).  I hemmed and hawed and thought and finally made it out to PetSmart to see the adoptables.  I asked the volunteers if I could see Fonzie.  History was about to be made.  I was going to meet the Dog of My Dreams™.

Except it didn’t work out that way.  Fonzie couldn’t have cared less about me.  He sniffed my hand and turned away.  I got the Dog Butt of Doom.  I was discouraged.  None of the other dogs really were what I was looking for in a dog (except a purebred Pug, but she was eleven years old and as noble of a gesture as it is to adopt an old dog, I couldn’t take the heartbreak of losing an animal that quickly) or seemed particularly interested in me.  Just as I was about to reconsider the whole thing, one of the volunteers said five words that would change my life…

“Have you met Chinook yet?”

I hadn’t.  Chinook (who I hadn’t even seen on the SmallDog website) was busy being introduced to a family, who he somehow failed to charm.  I got to meet the wee beastie next.  Unlike Fonzie, Chinook was instantly intersted in me, wagging his tail when he saw me and acting excited.  I was blindsided by how excited this dog was to see me!

Then Lindsay, the volunteer, told me that he acted like that when he had to go to the bathroom.

We walked to the bushes outside of Petco where he did his business, and I chatted with Lindsay about him.  I found out that even though he was officially named Chinook (sharing a theme with other dogs that SmallDog had rescued at the same time… his rescuemates were Typhoon, Zephyr, and one other weather-related name) they called him Max (because a kid at the first foster house that he had been to couldn’t pronounce Chinook so he bestowed the name of Max on him).  He was “just under a year old” and was picked up as a stray by Atlanta’s animal control office.  I really liked him and I applied to adopt him.  After going through a personality survey (where I presumably got demerits for never having been 100% in charge of a dog and living alone in an apartment) I was told that there would be a two week period where I would need to wait to make sure that I wanted to adopt.  Two weeks passed and I still wanted Max.

Max definitely wasn’t what I was looking for when I was in the market for a dog.  I was hoping for a 20-40 pound dog that was built fairly solidly with floppy ears, and absolutely, positively, NO chihuahua mixes (I’m not a huge fan of those timid pocket-sized yap dogs).   Max is 17-ish pounds, was officially listed as a Terrier/Chihuahua mix (although he’s got some Basenji in his bloodline somewhere), and sports pointy short ears.

I met with the head volunteer and paid the adoption fee.  A tearful Lindsay gave me Max and helped me pick everything out that I’d need for him (extra food and water dishes, a squeaky teddy bear, a crate, and some treats) and told me that Max liked his food with a spoonful of plain yogurt on top of it.  She gave me a blanket that he has had since he was first adopted and kissed him goodbye (Lindsay was his foster mom, so she spent a lot of time with him).  I was also told that SmallDog had him for more than six months, which I found crazy… he was adorable.

Max on the first day that I got him. Note my pimpin' denim sheets and the twin bed that I had!

Max and I drove back home, and he was (understandably) a bit out of sorts.  I was a new person to him, he was in a new place, and he didn’t know what was going on.  I took him out first thing and showed him where I wanted him to go to the bathroom (he was already “mostly housebroken”) and waited for him to go, just like Adopting A Pet For Dummies told me to.  We went inside and it was a mostly uneventful night… he didn’t want to play much or do much exploring.  He spent the night in his crate (even though I had attempted to get him to sleep on my bed with me).

This night was not indicative of how Max operated when I first got him.  The “mellow” dog that I was expecting was anything but.  Max was a ball of energy.  He was all about running around, biting your hand, and playing until I was ready to collapse.  Additionally, I found out (the hard way) that he had massive separation anxiety issues.  He tore up a lot of paper, destroyed part of my mattress and put holes in more than one set of sheets, and annihilated my beloved Homestar Runner hat.  He wanted to be outside ALL THE TIME, and whined when it was time to come back in.  I ended up having to either crate him or lock him in the bathroom when I was at work.

I’m not going to lie to you… for the first month or so that I had him, I considered raising my hands in surrender and taking him back to SmallDog, ashamed of myself and permanently blacklisted from trying again. I was frustrated.  I went as far as re-reading my adoption contract to see what I had to do to return him when I got home to find that he had chewed through the cord of my Dyson (which was plugged in… I’m glad he was OK) AND the length of network cable I had strung from my bedroom to the living room.  I’m so damn glad that I didn’t go through with it.

Kristen was a huge help to me during the early Max days.  She encouraged me a lot, and even bought me a copy of  Marley and Me to encourage me that despite rough patches that the companionship that Max offered was irreplaceable.  He seemed to take a liking to Kristen from the second that she met him, and to this day I swear he minds her more than he does me.

About five months later, Max (and I!) had calmed down a bit.  He started sleeping in bed with us around Month 3, and a month after that acquired his insatiable love for burying himself under the blankets and sheets. He was used to traveling between my apartment and Kristen’s place and had only destroyed a few more things (like that length of CAT-6 again… and certain other items of clothing).  We were about to give that dog the best thing ever for him, though…

Kristen and I had decided to move in with each other (after a bit under six months… SCANDAL!) and found a rental house with a fenced yard for him to run around in.  With his newfound room to run, Max mellowed out a lot and remains pretty much so today.

He’s still often full of energy, but he’s content to sit on a pillow with us while we watch TV.  He gets along well with most other dogs.  He can give high fives like a champion.  He learned that his favorite treat (maybe even more than meat) is raw green pepper.  He’s always happy to see me when I get home (although part of that is still the needing to go to the bathroom thing), generally does what I tell him to do, and knows when one of us is feeling down and does his best to make us feel better.  We’re still strongly considering getting Max a friend (although we need to make sure that his friend is the right size, but that’s another story).

Max isn’t just a good dog.  He’s the Best Dog.

If we’re talkin’ about my gym bag, a pair of blue shorts, a gray t-shirt, some spare deodorant, and a bitchin’ red Masterlock that doesn’t really fit all that well on the lockers at Planet Fitness.

That’s right, I have a gym bag. I actually go to the gym now. I’m not going to blow smoke up your arses and say that it’s a great Personal Improvement plan or that it’s my fantastical New Year’s resolution or that I’m really even in it to lose a crapload of weight (but if I do, all the better).

I’m doing it because my doctor told me that I need to try losing weight to see if that brings my liver enzyme level down… and if THAT goes down, then maybe… just maybe… I can get back on Humira, the greatest anti-psoriasis/anti-arthritic drug ever.

EVER!!!

The psoriasis has been back in full force and the Vectical that I’m on isn’t doing much to combat it. New patches are forming, old ones are fading only a little bit but definitely not going away, and my face is nothing but itching and pain (not to mention the rest of my body).

I’m not going to bitch at length about it, because I know that no one wants to hear it. Yes, it sucks. No, it’ll never be cured because there are higher-profile diseases that get all the research money (and I can’t really blame them… psoriasis sucks, but at least it generally won’t kill you). I move on.

I just hope that I can get back on Humira before the wedding. I don’t want Kristen to have to Photoshop my face in our wedding pics.

If you’re reading this, odds are that you know I’ve got one (count ‘im) sibling… a younger brother by three years and fifty weeks. Creg.

When I was (almost) four and found out that I was getting a little brother, I was SO EXCITED. I promised Mom that I’d be a good helper and love my new little brother and that we’d be best friends… and that’s about all that I remember about the pre-birth time.

Once Mom and Creg came back from the hospital I was so excited. I had a brother! A brother who… screamed. A lot. A brother who was colicky and had night terrors and demanded most of the attention that Mom had to give. A brother that I quickly grew jealous of.

Creg’s first birthday was one of the worst days for that and one that I’m not particularly proud of. We celebrated at my Grandpa’s place in Salt Lake. A bunch of family was there, including Creg’s namesake, Mom’s cousin Creg. I adored Cousin Creg. Looked up to him as a role model. He was one of the most kind people that you could ever meet. The party went on and I wasn’t used to everyone ignoring me. Don’t ask me why I did this (hey, I wasn’t quite four yet)… but I went up to Creg and bit his face.  Full-on bite.  I didn’t break the skin or anything, but it was HORRIBLE.  I feel guilty and awful and shitty and other similar emotions just writing this.  Mom punished me in the only way that I responded to back then (punishment of the corporal variety) and I still resented him.

All that Creg wanted to do when he was a little kid is be like his “bruth” and all that I wanted was for him to quit bugging me so I could read or play Nintendo or play with my Ninja Turtles / Real Ghostbusters.  I was a shitty brother.

Creg soon made up for me being an ass by becoming a master antagonist.  I have a pretty short fuse (I know, you’re shocked to read this) and he knew all of the right buttons to push until I snapped and smacked him, he’d cry, I’d get grounded for a week, and he’d keep on doing whatever it was that he was doing.  And the tattle-tale-ing!  Creg was such a damn little narc!  I did anything remotely wrong and Mom would know about it as soon as she got in the door.  This continued basically from the point where he was nine or ten onward (although Mom or Dad probably would say it started earlier).  We fought like cats and dogs.  Things got a bit better when I left for college but after a few months we backslid into fighting like we always did.

Things did get better once I hit my twenties, and better still  when I moved out of the house (again) and back to Utah.  We both grew up, both realized that we were the only siblings we’ll ever have, and both knew that we could trust each other.  I count Creg as one of my best friends now, and I’m proud that he’s going to be the best man at my upcoming wedding.

Oh, and ladies… he’s single!